Well, it seemed that I had been pretty happy with my therapy experience so far, but today sort of sealed the deal that I need to find someone a bit more adept with eating disorders. That’s my biggest issue, and the cause of many smaller issues.
Things that came up today:
“So why do you overeat?”
“Well, you’re very proportional and could be a plus sized model”.
“When in your adolescence did this start?”
“A great resource for eating disorders is this book ____”.
Why do I overeat? I DON’T KNOW. That’s what I’m here for you to help me figure out. Sure, I’ve made a few discoveries in the last month I’ve been working with her, but I don’t quite have that answer. I’m looking for it. If I had it, I wouldn’t need therapy that badly.
Yay. I’m proportional. I’m technically MORBIDLY OBESE by BMI standards, and I never as a little girl dreamed of growing up to be a plus sized model. I don’t want to be an underweight waif in a swimsuit, but I want to be a healthy weight and comfortable not only in my own skin, but in the clothes I wear. I’m not. Don’t try to pacify me by saying that I’m beautiful just how I am because that’s not how I feel, and I’m not happy the way I am. I want to change. Don’t make me try to accept that it’s ok to be this overweight. I’m not ok with that. Or, if you’re trying to get me to accept myself for how I am, a comment like that isn’t going to do it. Sorry.
It didn’t start in my adolescence. I’ve told her this before. I never had major issues until about 7 or 8 years ago. I was never “thin” as a youth, but I was never overweight, either. I’m big boned and tall. Even at my thinnest, I am still big boned and tall. And I’ve accepted that part of it. I’ve never had amazingly good eating habits, but they never spiraled out of control until about 8 years ago. I don’t blame it on my adolescence or poor body image at that stage of my life.
I’ve read books on eating disorders. If they could truly fix me, I wouldn’t be paying $80/hour to sit here and have you tell me to read the book. I’ve gained insight from books, but clearly I haven’t been fixed.
So, I’ve decided it’s time to move on. I feel I know the same sort of coping strategies she has already tried to teach me. I KNOW all of these things. I just don’t do them. I need someone who specializes in eating disorders who can do more for me than tell me to read a book or ask me why I overeat. I want to find someone who can help me to learn to love myself even morbidly obese AND help me to get myself to a point where I am much happier with my appearance and my health. A friend gave me a contact for a good counselor, so I am going to follow up with that. I owe that to myself.