So, one of the things I’ve been doing in my “working on me” time is to start weekly therapy sessions. I have a lot of issues to work through. A lot.
I like my therapist. She’s nice. She’s motherly. And she’s friendly. I’m not 100% sure she’s the best fit for me with my binge eating issues, and with my psych background I sometimes feel like I should be able to “fix” myself rather than have to pay someone to do it for me, but I am giving it a try.
But what I’ve discovered that I’m almost embarrassed that I had never put together before, is that my biggest issues began when I left California 9 years ago.
The binge eating. That started about 6 months after I left California. I never had huge issues with my weight prior to moving to Colorado. I had been about 10 lbs over my “high” BMI weight, but I went on Weight Watchers and lost not only those 10 lbs but 20 more. I was at a very healthy weight and in the best shape of my life. But I also was spending almost every day with friends doing something I loved. I spent all summer long at the ballpark surrounded by dozens of friends – people I liked, who liked me, and we had fun. When the season was over, I may not have spent every day with my friends, but we still saw each other and I had plenty to do.
I was happy. And I was busy.
I left California because I was in love, and because I thought that was enough. I’m still in love, but it’s not enough. I’m lonely. I haven’t found the kind of friends I had in CA. I’ve turned into someone who used to be much more of an introvert into someone who just wants to be alone, someone who is drained with any length of social gatherings. Someone who would rather sit at home alone in the quiet, eating away her loneliness. And then, with every bite, I hate myself more. I hate the person I’ve become. I’m so far from the person I once was, and that’s who I’m trying to find and bring back.
So, I’m still in the early stages. I’m far from success. I’m far from figuring everything out. I can’t go back to California, it’s not that simple at this stage of the game. But I need to find myself and some happiness where I am now, before it’s too late.