It’s been a busy summer. I’m still working quite a bit, but I do take one week day off to spend with Violet. We usually go to a baseball game, or the pool, or some sort of structured activity. But I’m working a lot, and once again changed jobs. Or added another job. Or, I don’t know. I’m no longer full-time at the job I’ve been working for the majority of the past two years. I’m now working my way towards full-time at a job based closer to home, which I hope helps my sense of being overwhelmed.
The problem with working so much and being overweight (which I tend to blame for many things) is that I just don’t have the energy for anything once I get home. Heat + tired + fat = a night on the sofa. My house is consistently messy, my yard is ugly, and I even lack the energy to do things like making a decent dinner.
I have huge goals for the house, the yard, and myself, and then nothing happens. I sit on the sofa and eat. And then I beat myself up over the house being a mess, the yard dying, and being overweight. It’s a horrendously vicious cycle.
So how do you break the cycle? I’m not joking when I say that 7 years ago I weighed 100 pounds less than I weigh today. Even 2 years ago I weighed 75 lbs less than I weigh now. I belong to a gym. I KNOW how to eat right. I buy the right foods with intention to make great healthy meals with them and then it doesn’t happen.
I can’t blame any one thing exclusively. I can’t blame being busy, because I used to manage working 30 hours a week, going to 100 baseball games a summer and going to the gym at least 4 days a week. I didn’t have a family then, though. I can’t blame anything but myself for eating so much that I’ve gained this weight. I don’t know what’s making me so tired or lazy. Plenty of people work full time, have kids, a house, a husband and a life.
All I know is that something has to change. I’m not a happy person. I can’t tell you how many times before I fall asleep at night I think about how much I hate myself. I know I can be better. I know I can do better. But I don’t know why it doesn’t happen. I want to be able to lose the weight. I want to be able to enjoy getting back out for walks and the gym. I want to not feel like everyone’s looking at the fat girl when I’m out. I know they aren’t, but it’s a paranoia that develops after a while.
I just want to be able to figure out what’s wrong with me and to have the strength and willpower to make the changes I need to make.