I don’t want to write this post, but then I feel like it will be therapeutic to do so. Two years ago today, we lost our cat Fluff to kidney failure. We also went close to broke trying to save her life, but I’d do it again in a minute if it meant we’d have her back.
She was only 7. When she was 4, we first found out she had kidney issues and had a procedure to remove stones lodged in her ureter. And went half broke in the process. A few months later, Violet was born and Fluff knew her role in life was to love and care for Violet.
She slept with Violet in her crib (yes, mom of the year, here), watched over her while she played, and would put up with all the “tough love” an infant and toddler had to give to a kitty. And she came back for more. She never got to be a mom of her own, so Violet was her chance to show her maternal side. And she did a great job.
Her real name was Helton. When we adopted her, they told us she was a he. Oops. We didn’t find out for 2 1/2 years – when she had her first kidney issues. Fortunately, I think she forgave us. But she was so fluffy and cuddly that we started calling her Fluff or Flufferbutt. She was still Helton when she was in trouble.
It’s so odd, I’ve lost two grandparents, two aunts, 2 dogs and 2 cats along with a few friends and losing Fluff has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. For the first year I had a horrible time coping. I would have panic attacks when I’d drive by or even near the vet where she passed. I would fall asleep crying, even months after, wishing I would have or could have done more – even though we did more than most anyone could or would do. I was a wreck. For a whole year. And then the year anniversary happened last year and the crying stopped. And the panic attacks lessened. It was almost like a switch was turned off.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still miss her or wish she were here to see Violet grow and continue to love her. That doesn’t mean I’m not crying while writing this about her. But it was like something told me that it was ok.
She wasn’t supposed to die, she was supposed to have successful surgery and come home with us. I wasn’t supposed to have to hold her in my arms and feel her heart stop beating – even though all I was holding to begin with was a broken down shell of her, weakened by her kidneys shutting down and dialysis. I wasn’t supposed to try to explain why she was gone to my 2 1/2 year old. But it all happened.
But it happened. And my heart was broken. And while there will always be a Fluff-sized hole in it, my heart will continue to grow to have room to love other pets.
So now it’s two years, and the pain has subsided and the tears and panic attacks don’t come often, if at all anymore. We adopted a new girl kitty about six months after she passed, Dharma Lou. While she actually did give birth to her own kittens before we adopted her, she doesn’t have that maternal gene towards Violet that Fluff did. It’s ok. She’s her own cat. Fluff was just special in her own way the way that Dharma is in hers.
Miss you sweet girl. Still.