I don’t want another cat

Not now, at least. My heart still isn’t ready. I have to drive near Alameda East (the veterinary hospital where Fluff had her surgery, and ultimately passed away) at least twice a week, if not more. I get within about six blocks and I have mini-anxiety/panic attacks. I have a hard time breathing and I’m in tears. And then I feel guilty because I never was that way with Vinny. Only once, when I brought Tulo in for his first check up and they put us in the room where Vinny was euthanized.

I’m just struggling. I think it’s because she was young. She wasn’t supposed to die. And Violet asks about her every single day.

But I’m ok. It doesn’t consume me anymore, and the worst is when I drive near the hospital. I read Violet a book called Cat Heaven and the first dozen or so times I read it to her I could barely finish it. Now there are only two or three pages that do that to me – including the one where it talks about the cat looking down on Earth into the home where her family lives. I’m crying just typing about that.

But I found this guy who looks like he could be Tulo’s twin. My heart kind of skipped a beat for him. But I’m still not ready. I guess the test will be if he is still around when I’m ready. Only time will tell. But for a while my heart still needs to heal a little more.

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